Noobie was hiding in his tent applying, mumbling incoherently, and slathering his ass with chamois butter when I arrived at Coolest 24 Camp FT3. He had already ridden over 60 miles and the sun was starting to broil his brain. To entertain the assembled onlookers he swallowed half a dozen pills, chugged a coke, and then wretched.
The task before me was no less daunting: to finish 24 cool PBRs. Without wasting any time I settled into a lawn chair and popped the first tab. Fortunately, Noob’s demands didn’t slow me from reaching my goal. I whooped when he rolled into camp and whooped when he left. I topped off a water bottle or two and greased his chain a couple times. It quickly became apparent that Mrs. Noob was not going to live up to her potential and help the PBRs disappear. In fact, at sundown, she gathered up all the bedding in camp and settled in for a good night’s sleep. I moved my lawn chair to the neighbor’s camp, but they weren’t much help either. Somewhere after 1am, I stumbled into my tent. I overheard Noob dismissing the assistant wrench and he napped as well. Maybe he wasn’t going to win, maybe I wouldn’t finish my PBRs, it was a dark hour.
I woke with a start at 4am. I saw that the Sokuri was gone, so I settled back into my chair and returned to the half-finished beer tucked amongst the star thistle. The moon shone like a spotlight over the quiet camp. Finally Noob returned. He had thrown down three hard laps to cement his lead. Now he just had to keep turning over his pedals for another seven hours. As the eastern sky began to glow, I found my resolve and finally finished another beer. By 8am Noob was ready to quit. However, Rock God and his young lover B showed up to add to the cheering section. What’s more Mrs. Noob had finally emerged from the tent, recalling a nightmare of naked buttocks looking like a bagel schmeared with cream cheese. Two hours to go, and it was time for a little tough love. When Noob begged to stop, I told him that he could either do another lap or help break down camp. Poor kid ended up doing both. But, he won.